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 Post subject: Dimishing by adding?
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 3:27 pm 
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I'd like to see the opinion of other forum members about whether or not I should add a verse (or deleted the "wrong" verse) to a current song.

The song is There Are No Lies.

The current lyrics are:

I often wish that I could see
That famous lovely poem tree,
That sylvan statement God has made,
Platonic ideal source of shade,

But things just are, they are what they are
Without words, there are no lies.

I cannot dance upon my toes,
No one instructed me,
But often times, among my mind,
A glee possesses me,

But things just are, they are what they are
Without words, there are no lies.

Words may claim that they contain
The Truth for us to see,
But I have found that words conceal
As much as they reveal.

Things just are, they are what they are
Without words, there are no lies.


The verse I left out when recording is:

Together 'til our dying day,
Said you'd never go away,
But now I spend my nights alone,
Locked inside an empty home.

Things just are. . . etc.

My feeling is that it diminshed and limited the song, by making it sentimental, but there was some argument amongst the band that I would have been better off deleting one of the "abstract/conceptual" verses, that this verse would have given the song more "heart".

Any feedback?

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 4:06 pm 
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The other man !!!
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I kinda like the deleted verse - it darkens thing up a bit. The only critique I would have is that the word "locked" in the last line is perhaps a little too hyperbolic. (Unless the speaker is actually locking himself up.) Maybe a less charged word would feel less sentimental?

Of course the validity of this critique really depends on the tone of the music as well. What does the song sound like?

DISCLAIMER:
Feel free to discount my views here - my lyrics usually consist of me yelping, grunting and hollering in a rhythmic fashion (think Tom Waits as a lower primate with a microphone).


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 4:38 pm 
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Painter wrote:
I kinda like the deleted verse - it darkens thing up a bit. The only critique I would have is that the word "locked" in the last line is perhaps a little too hyperbolic. (Unless the speaker is actually locking himself up.) Maybe a less charged word would feel less sentimental?

Of course the validity of this critique really depends on the tone of the music as well. What does the song sound like?



A- Yes, "locked" is a word that probably changes every time I sing it -- so I'm not "locked" into that word. Sometimes, I say "lost"; sometimes, I say ""safe"; sometimes, I say "here."

B - What does it sound like? This song is at the "Share your music" thread.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 4:51 pm 
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The other man !!!
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"Lost" is really, really good, I think.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 5:01 pm 
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I tend to think you did the right thing by leaving that one out - not so much because it makes it a sentimental song, but because it does sounds strangely concrete compared to the others. It's less about content and more about two very different styles to me.

But don't pay any attention to me. I don't listen to the lyrics when I listen to music. I would've never known had I not actually read the words. :lol:


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 5:11 pm 
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Second JM's post...save it for another.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 8:14 pm 
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i get the feeling that the deleted verse is what the tune is really about or what was lurking below the surface when the rest of it was written.

how about 'lying inside an empty home'

instead of a verse it could be a bridge.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 8:56 pm 
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A bridge. . . hmmm

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 9:10 pm 
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Quote:
a bridge


without even reading the full lyrics, if you have stanza which is somewhat of a departure from the other lyrics, a bridge is the ideal place to stick them.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 9:35 pm 
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Of course the band that recorded this has been scattered to the winds, which makes adding a bridge quite problematic, but it's something I will consider.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 9:50 pm 
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even with the existing arrangrment you could vary the melody slightly or a lot, add an odd instrument (organ, crazy guitar, who knows...?), maybe toss in some harmony, percussion ... viola - a confounded bridge!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 10:25 pm 
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That's what I'm thinking. copy an entire verse of everything, then strip it down to maybe just drums, then add bass, guitars, kaliope, glockenspeil, whatever, with new chords,. . . hmmm. definitely a project.

It would be a lot of work, but it would really suprise the band when I sent it back to them.

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To attain knowledge, add things every day;
To attain wisdom, remove things every day. Lao Tse.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 8:36 am 
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I agree with Bob. A bridge signals a change of pace, or direction, or explanation and that is where this should go if you want to keep it.

However, in this song, I would leave the additional verse out as what it says could be better conveyed by more abstract imagery.


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