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PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2013 6:36 am 
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The Reverend
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I just scribble sh**te down... :oops: :roll:

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:04 am 
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Former Computer Geek
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Excellent Bok! I do that most of the time too, I resort to my circles and squares when I'm stuck. Often, I sit there going A D E...that's good... play that for an hour until words start coming... LOL, caveman writing at it's finest!

-= Beer

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 5:39 pm 
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Muse-ician
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This is from Pat Pattison's web site

He's really talking about taking a good thought and making it better. This example was taking a look at how rhyme scheme changes the feel of the song, as well as changing the sequence of the lines. Do you think that there are improvements with is ideas?



From Perth, Australia’s weekend seminar, May 2009, here is Rachel Dillon’s original opening structure of verse, verse, chorus:

We grew up together in the same small town a
Standing watching summer storms coming down a
You with hair of gold and a will so strong b
I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song b
You chased the ducks I ran from the drake c
We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake c
Pretended to drive ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van d
And we ran, and we ran d
Hell for leather, hell for leather
Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill

Let’s start with the 2nd line image to strengthen the whole journey:

Standing watching summer storms coming down a
Growing up together in the same small town a
You with hair of gold and a will so strong b
I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song b
You chased the ducks I ran from the drake c
We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake c
Pretended to drive ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van d
And we ran, and we ran d
Hell for leather, hell for leather
Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill


Try turning the verses into an abab rhyme scheme to create a smoother journey. That way, we don’t stop every 2 lines, and will create two units of 4 lines rather than, with the couplets (aabb), four units of 2 lines:

Standing watching summer storms coming down a
You with hair of gold and a will so strong b
Growing up together in the same small town a
I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song b
You chased the ducks I ran from the drake c
Pretended to drive ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van d
We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake c
And we ran, and we ran d
Hell for leather, hell for leather
Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill


Instead, we could try unrhyming the first couplet to create a less stable journey, ending with a surprise rhyme at the 4th lines. I especially like the feel of the 2nd verse this way:

Standing watching summer storms rolling by x
Growing up together in the same small town x
You with hair of gold and a will so strong a
I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song a
You chased the ducks I ran from the goose x
We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake x
Pretended to drive ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van b
And we ran, and we ran b
Hell for leather, hell for leather
Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill


Again, looking for an unstable structure to create a more wistful feeling, let’s try an abba rhyme scheme, which opens the structure, while using the rhyme scheme to throw things off balance. I like the effect of the internal rhymes van/dam/swam in blurring the motion, helping to create a floating, nostalgic feel:

Standing watching summer storms coming down a
You with hair of gold and a will so strong b
I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song b
Growing up together in the same small town a
Pretended to ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van c
We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake d
You chased the ducks I chased the drake d
And we ran, and we ran c
Hell for leather, hell for leather
Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill

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Could you show that to me again... slower?


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