The DijonStock Digital Home Recording Support Forum

Two sausages in a frying pan. One says, "It's getting a bit hot in here isn't it?" The second one says, "Aaargh - a talking sausage!"

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All progress is made by unreasonable men.

http://www.howardgardener.co.uk/

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

... When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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GSMUSIC: Hey RZ, Im not no upper class american, the gear I own is what I have special to me. My car sucks, my house sucks, my nieghborhood sucks. Does yours RZ? Does it?

rz-land

I just lost my appetite... thanks Ron

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Don't judge the coffee by its cup.
The proof of the cheese is in the eating

There was a young man from Hanoi
Who's wife thought his dick was a toy
She'd give it a stroke, He'd give her a poke
And now they're expecting a boy


boom boom

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http://members.soundclick.com/Bobby+M+Music

You're bad

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Don't judge the coffee by its cup.
The proof of the cheese is in the eating

A young peasant girl of fourteen...

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked."Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly."Look, I'll give you a raise.""No," she said"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me.""Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off herunderwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...." "Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."

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In a minute it might be gone. Life is a bear in a bubble.

http://www.soundclick.com/bearinabubble

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .


The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

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GSMUSIC: Hey RZ, Im not no upper class american, the gear I own is what I have special to me. My car sucks, my house sucks, my nieghborhood sucks. Does yours RZ? Does it?

rz-land

The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

My internet bride arrived today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of.

I'm reading a good book about helium. Can't put it down.

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All progress is made by unreasonable men.

http://www.howardgardener.co.uk/

A professor at.sydney university have a lecture to medical students about involuntary organ reactions. In an attempt to.spice up a boring lecture, he pointed to a female student in the first row an asked

"do you know what your arsehole is doing while you are having an orgasm ?"

"probably playing golf with.his.mates" was the response

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Life's a shit sandwich. The more bread your have, the less shit you have to eat.

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GSMUSIC: Hey RZ, Im not no upper class american, the gear I own is what I have special to me. My car sucks, my house sucks, my nieghborhood sucks. Does yours RZ? Does it?

rz-land

Reminded me of... "drummer, take 34853948523475234..."

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Don't judge the coffee by its cup.
The proof of the cheese is in the eating

Funny shit.

•TAOISM: Shit happens.
•CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
•ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)
•JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
•ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.
•COMMUNISM: Equal shit happens to all people.
•CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.
•PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
•SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
•ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
•UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
•RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.
•JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
•REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
•MYSTICISM: What weird shit!
•AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?
•ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!
•NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?
•AZTEC: Cut out this shit!
•QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.
•FORTEANISM: No shit??
•12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.
•VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!
•NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.
•DEISM: Shit just happens.
•EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
•SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
•CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.
•BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.
•SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.
•HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
•WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!
•HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.
•THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.
•DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before you were born.
•SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.
•JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.
•MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.
•HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
•BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.
•STOICISM: This shit is good for me.
•OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.
•EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.
•REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.
•FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.
•CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.
•EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
•DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.
•RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.
•CHARISMATIC: This is not shit and it doesn't smell bad.
•MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.
•RED CROSS: Shit happens - send money.
•EVANGELICAL: Praise God in spite of this shit cause this shit ain't gonna last much longer.
•JAINISM: Your Shit should not harm anything.

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Don't judge the coffee by its cup.
The proof of the cheese is in the eating

_________________
GSMUSIC: Hey RZ, Im not no upper class american, the gear I own is what I have special to me. My car sucks, my house sucks, my nieghborhood sucks. Does yours RZ? Does it?

rz-land

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Don't judge the coffee by its cup.
The proof of the cheese is in the eating

Q: What goes up and down but does not move?
A: Stairs

Q: Where should a 500 pound alien go?
A: On a diet

Q: What did one toilet say to the other?
A: You look a bit flushed.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?
A: Write on!

Q: What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?
A: Lonely

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they are two-tired!

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights!

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: Someday my prints will come!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!

Q: What part of the car is the laziest?
A: The wheels, because they are always tired!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: What is blue and goes ding dong?
A: An Avon lady at the North Pole!

Q: We're you long in the hospital?
A: No, I was the same size I am now!

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: What did the laundryman say to the impatient customer?
A: Keep your shirt on!

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!

Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: Because it held up some pants!

Q: Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?
A: They had just finished a March of 31 days.

Q: Which hand is it better to write with?
A: Neither, it's best to write with a pen!

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What makes the calendar seem so popular?
A: Because it has a lot of dates!

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto!

Q: What is green and has yellow wheels?
A: Grass…..I lied about the wheels!

Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
A: Her nose!

Q: Did you hear about the robbery last night?
A: Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants!

Q: Why do you go to bed every night?
A: Because the bed won't come to you!

Q: Why did Billy go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!

Q: Why do eskimos do their laundry in Tide?
A: Because it's too cold out-tide!

Q: How do you cure a headache?
A: Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A: A minnie van!

Q: Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?
A: Because they take too long to change!

Q: Why did the man run around his bed?
A: To catch up on his sleep!

Q: Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
A: He wanted to make a clean get away!

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Don't judge the coffee by its cup.
The proof of the cheese is in the eating

These must be all the jokes you have learned since 2014, the last year an item was posted to this thread!!

Lots of good ones suitable for the kids at elementary school!! I will print the page and try some of them out on that audience.

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Byron

Why is it that cows don't want to dance?

They're too afraid the other cows will say BOOO

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Don't judge the coffee by its cup.
The proof of the cheese is in the eating

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

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GSMUSIC: Hey RZ, Im not no upper class american, the gear I own is what I have special to me. My car sucks, my house sucks, my nieghborhood sucks. Does yours RZ? Does it?

rz-land

I had to read that twice

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Don't judge the coffee by its cup.
The proof of the cheese is in the eating